boredom is setting in...

yes, i wanted a man. yes, i made a list of 10 must-have qualities for that man to have. yes, i put a lot of thought into each one. yes, i tried to make them as meaningful as possible, and yes, i left shallow things like a dresscode, and baldheadedness off. yes, JC has all 10. yes, i do care about him deeply. yes, i believe he cares about me too.

and yes, i know that the devil, or my insecurities always wreak havoc at this point in any relationship. you know, the period between: i-don't-trust-him-worth-a-damn and we're-in-this-for-the-rest-of-it(whatever "it" is). we've already talked about that. this ain't that.

it's number 3 that's the problem: ambition. i asked for someone as driven as i, so that issues like me working late, or being in class wouldn't interfere with our relationship. i wanted that person to come to me whole, with their own identity, and their own life. i wanted it all, my life, his life, and our lives to merge (at some point) so we could enjoy our times apart as much as our times together.

that ain't happenin'. what is happenin' is that i'm getting bored, because he's busier than i. so i've been on the trust seesaw: resentful of the amount of time HE spends workin', or doubting whether he's actually at work as much as he says he is. i love it when i'm with him. it's just that it happens so rarely that i'm slowly losing interest. i can't fall in love with a ghost, or in love with the idea of being in love. not again, anyway. how do i tell him that without hurting him? he's fully aware of the problem, addressed it before i even realized it was an issue. he told me if it happened it wouldn't be the first time. he's doing as much as he can to get to the point where we can spend time together. and i want the same. i just want it before i get completely tired of sleeping with my cellphone.

i said belief, not faith. and i promised myself i would give him that. he's trying, so i have to do the same. ok...lift your head to the sky, and keep trying..believe in love..and it will take you higher